My heart’s Vulnerability

This feeling is old and familiar
I think I remember it
It’s sweet and bitter
I’m trying to place my hand on it
…………
I remember now
It’s the feeling of missing you
………..
With a pang of vulnerability

I actually thought I had lost it
Because it had been gone AWOL
And I had been strong and weird
For days now
Days and weeks
Without missing you
Without as much as an
Eyebrow raised or a last minute-
Thought of you before sleep
Takes over
It was so normal and weird
I was always good to go

And no day found me
Breaking down….or pausing
To mourn your conspicuous Absence
Till this moment when I saw
Your first caring thought
In the form of a watsapp
The first words from you…
That was so close to home
So close to familiarity
The beautiful
Days of our relationship

Out of no where
It sprang up
And I thought I had lost it

I guess maybe it’s
Psychology
Was
My mind’s healthy way
Of living and surviving

And the only question left
Is whether I wanna give in to
This vulnerability
Bitter- sweet
…sweet because it’s
Youthful and heady
…bitter because
I’m left hurting…when you don’t
Love me the way I desire
………………………………..
And I’m still staring at the phone
28/07/17
Natasha- City

Flame 🔥 up my Passion

Sometimes I want to model into
Our bedroom with eroticism and eyes that say
I wanna drink you in tonight
But then I see your distant face
And let go of my naughty thoughts
When previously I wouldn’t

Maybe it’s a phase of relationship..
We’re less drunk with love
More sleepy or bored with familiarity

But babe
I’ve tasted novelty before
In the arms of another
And I did but did not like it
For I found that the large
Percentage of the world is willing
To offer to a desiring soul wild romance
And adventure
But one out of a million will offer
You a love that’s true and faithful
To the very end
I came to find that
You’re one in a million

If it’s a phase I will allow it
And learn the wisdom it
Brings with it
And when observation and
Hypothesis- testing is done
I’ll gather my wits and
Lit up the flame 🔥 of passion
You have buried under all the
Mundane and remind you
That you married me for a reason…………….
16/07/17
Natasha- City.

Break Up

Only emotions can describe it

Only the heart of true lovers

Can know its true fear

It’s true pain

It’s true terror

Don’t tell me you understand

When you’ve not spent a night

Rolling under the sheets seeking

The face of sleep that is determined

To allude your pain stricken soul

Till dawn breaks

Over your sighing heart

Don’t tell me you understand

The fear in the heart of a man

– paralyzed

That predisposes him to driving

Mad at midnight

In a miserable t- shift worn inside out

The fear

That predisposes him to farting

Unconsciously in front of his lady

Yet to be ex

– His brain cells interpret the action

As the least important thing

In the world

The fear

That predisposes him to kneeling

On a rocky ground oblivious and

Stoic to any pain but that of the heart

Rapturing at the prospect of a breakup

In the face of this

Day still breaks

And life goes on

Without our permission

The world’s duty calls…

And we must respond

Howbeit with lifeless eyes

For the world is now devoid

Of joy In her eyes

And life suddenly has no

Meaning in his eyes….

If only all could be untrue

So our hearts could

Be blinded to the events of pain

And we could love against the pain

Kiss against the Hurt

And choose to stay inspite

Of the odds

Forgive me…

If I can’t….

It’s over….

It’s definitely over.

                    – that was how sure I was

In memorial to a breakup that almost occurred.

AND THE Silence reigns on………..

​

I have gone these days without you 

Because I dare my soul 
To be independent
I dare my body to be independent
I loathe to be addicted to
Another soul
To the point I can’t breathe
Without him

I will not
Will not succumb to the sweeping
Images of you
That still flood my mind
Ever too frequently
If I let my hands and brain go idle

I will not succumb to feeling
Guilty
And being the one to end this
Silence

Yes a relationship is about sacrifice
Been a fool for love’s sake
But I will not
Because should you ever repeat
This act
I know I will have no option
Than to bury my heart in
Pain and endure

And that is why this is
My only one chance to let you
Know
What you did was not okay
And is never acceptable on
Any day

And should you ever repeat it
Let your heart and mind
Be prepared for the wrath
Of your woman
Till then
Let the silence continue……
                                21/12/15
                                Natasha- City

I hate it when we’re not talking….and I know I’m being childish…and he is expecting and giving me more time and room to mature before his anger descends….and yet I’m as stubborn as Natasha…..coz if I’m right I will never say I’m wrong! I won’t!

When is it best to use Silent Treatment as a way of handling a problem in a relationship?

If you’ve tried it before you will know that the familiar hours of the day when you two chat or check up on each other will come…but they will come without him or her ….and that will make you sick. Then you find yourself struggling with either- handling the sick feeling and overcoming it or just ending the silence. Depending on how angry you are or how you feel about the situation; you will choose one of the two options.

Many a times I have found that silent treatment only tends to stretch on miscommunication and we only get to find out and iron things out when we finally talk. Yet somehow I’m addicted to using silent treatment when I get angry and I know I must stop!

I think silent treatment is only needed if you’re the short tempered type and are likely to say things before thinking- things you will regret but can’t take back- with this the silent treatment might help you.

HASH TAGS
#WHEN DO YOU EMPLOY SILENT TREATMENT IN A RELATIONSHIP?
#DOES SILENT TREATMENT HELP?
#IS THE USE OF SILENT TREATMENT CHILDISH?

When I say I love you…

  

When I say I love you
I mean
I can’t believe you are mine
That
With all the boundaries around you
I’m the woman who gets to have
Your heart

When I say I love you
I mean
You are wonderful
Your heart
Your strength
Your commitment
Your vision
They leave me in awe
And knowing I’m at the center
Of these makes me feel like
The luckiest woman on earth

But when i say I love him
I mean
With him I feel beautiful
Effortlessly
In my skin
In my personality
In my being

With him
I smile effortlessly
I Loose all my phobias
And begin to soar

When I say I love him
I mean
His name makes me
Wet
And I don’t need a lube
His words overflow my heart
With living poetry
Poetry in abundance
And I’m forever aching to write
And live the next day

With him I REST
And yet take on larger responsibilities
I blossom and never feel weary
I laugh and I’m ready to
Try salsa dancing
I begin building my life
And not with weary eyes
But eyes filled with life and meaning

With him I’m vulnerable
And yet strong
Passionate and yet focused
Playful and yet mature
A girl and yet a woman
Sexy and yet demure
And life suddenly
Takes on a new form!

In this journey with you
I was armed for every huddle
We would face
But my heart never conceived
A huddle of this kind
And my neurons were never prepared
For pain they could not block
Oxytocin at it’s peak

I have taken the steps
My heart promised you
A time before today

To keep and cherish your heart
Forever
Was my promise to you
And I swear I would never break it

And I can only but pray
Fervently
That time will do it’s job
And heal this
Terrible Ache and throbbing desire
That threatens to make life
Bleak and loose essence
In my eyes
_
That threatens to explode and
Shed tears unending………
Tears for a man
I would never get to love
Tears for a man
Who resembled my Life’s Answer

Sigh
Help me God
                                  05/05/16
                                  Natasha- City

Maybe if your lover had all these other abilities he/she seems to lack…then the relationship would be Perfect! Yes you love him or her just the way he is….she is……but

If only he could be more supportive….put more effort in looking good…..be more romantic and spontaneous…..more in tune with how you feel. Damn! Then the relationship will be just perfect!
Lol
But we are all human- flawed beings…..and perfection will always be a stone’s throw away.

As long as it’s not a ‘gulf’ away but a stone’s throw away, there’s no need dumping him/her for the next person you’ve fallen for. You might be chasing an illusion you will regret a life too late.

Just some few silences left…..some last fading words…….then I’ll be able to forget about him…..and stay faithful to my partner.

#STAYING FAITHFUL
#IN LOVE WITH TWO
#WHO DO I LOVE?

Herbert

​      

When you choose to run
Your heart will beat
Your skin will sweat
When you choose to love
Your heart will bleed
Your mind will ache

In memory of a short indulgence in an emotional flirtation

Hazel Grace says in this world you don’t get to choose if you get hurt….but you get to choose who hurts you….and she liked her choice….even though it tore her apart.

I like my choice too (not that I had a choice 😳….how do you stop the colors of your emotions from responding to the waves coming from him? It’s not like there are three of him in the world. There will never be anyone like him! There will never be anyone like that one person who is able to draw the real you out and make you giggle and forever blissful)

So it hurts when you have to end it….coz you already belong to another. An emotional flirtation is bad enough- let’s not get it physical……let not breath and lips mingle coz then it really qualifies as CHEATING and you will have to deal with the guilt forever.

Hash tags
#IS EMOTIONAL FLIRTATION CHEATING
#HOW FAR IS TOO FAR
#WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU GET EMOTIONALLY DRAWN TO ANOTHER WHEN YOU BELONG TO SOMEONE ELSE

NEW LOVE’S PULL

​   

Watching him laugh out on my couch
My heart recognized familiarity
He was that familiar man
Who I loved
I knew I loved
His idiosyncrasies called out
A different response in me
My heart wrapped around him like
A woman and a mother

But I’d come to love him too
This other boy…
Man
He makes my eye lids flutter
With desire
He makes me a girl again
With him I feel protected forever
Without a worry in the world
He was my gallant hero
A cocoon of love

That man who loved every part of
Me without makeup
And yet would gentle pull out my
Strengths with hands and words
And I transform in his arms
A caterpillar to a butterfly
And it didn’t hurt one bit
It never hurt one bit
Coz he was there all the way
A source of strength in times of
Exhaustion

Sigh*
How can a woman love two men
Wisdom says it has to end
And the heart knows
Commitment must speak above
New desires
It will hurt
I can’t breathe already!
Tears choke my lungs
Someone help me breathe!!!!

It will hurt…….
It will cut like a knife…
But truth be told
It was over before it began
And every party knew it
Even the oblivious one
That I’d never break his heart
He could always trust me
To cherish and keep his heart safe
Sigh*
                                     09/04/16
                                    Cayenne*

I used to say….As wicked as Brad Pitt. Until I found out I equally had the potential.

I thought it wasn’t possible….and so I toyed with this new found friendship. He was in love, I wasn’t and was confident I would never be- coz I’m the kind to walk not fall in love.

And then it happened.

But the question of a breakup never popped in my heart coz it was an impossibility. I think that’s what made it more sorrowful and painful; even before it began I knew it had no future.

But my soul knew real sorrow the day we finally parted; it was like the world was crushing around me and I didn’t care about anyone again; I didn’t even care to pick my lover’s calls. I became a zombie. And I couldn’t believe I had found myself in such a place.

Now with earnestness I prayed for healing. Prayed for a renewed ecstasy in my relationship- something to wake me up again!

Time did it…..finally. But his name will forever be a scar my memories will avoid with furtive eyes.

You may have started an affair by a twist of chance and fate, but only determination and strength can get you out of the irresistible affair.

#AS WICKED AS BRAD PITT
#IS IT POSSIBLE TO LOVE TWO PEOPLE AT THE SAME TIME?
#IN LOVE WITH TWO MEN

STRANGER

​

I’m looking at you
And am not sure if I’m looking
At a stranger
Or a fraudster
_
He has the same features
Of a man I trust- trusted
A man I love- love
But it’s blurry
You are blurry
My vision is blurring
Please put an end to this
With words of reason!
Tell me something logical
Against incriminating evidence!
Tell me there’s an explanation…
That you didn’t cheat on me!
That there are not two women
Do you belong to me  at all?!

Tears can’t flow
I’m just dazed
Yet my mind is working
Already planning how to
Gather back the broken pieces
Of my life….

I know my spirit is dying
Within me
But for the sake of loved ones
I must live
I must even marry….
A man again….
There is no other creature
But there will definitely not be
Love again

Are you still on your knees?
Is not all this a movie?
Will you not tell me
Something essential?!
To break this dizziness
I feel like a zombie

Don’t touch me!
Don’t hug me!
Don’t you dare kiss me!
Just speak!

I love you!
I already know that I can’t
Stop loving you
Love cannot cease at a
Drop of a hat!
Ice cannot cut it into two
It’s too deep…too dense
Decades of sedimentation

But I wanna hold you
Stranger….
I wanna kiss you
I wanna breathe in your
Scent one more time….
I love you stranger
Even if you’re a fraudster!
And if given the chance
I won’t turn back the hands
Of time
Your love changed my life
Your love mentored my years
Is it really over?
Are you still not speaking sense?
                                  30/09/15
                                 Natasha- City

You watch the drama in telenovelas and you fall in love with it……and you wish your relationship could be as dramatic and passionate.

But then if really….you have ever experienced an ounce of the drama displayed in them- you will know never to wish for a thing like that again!

Thinking your life partner has cheated on you is one of them! And I don’t mean suspicions- I mean seeing hard evidence! With no warning signs to prepare you for this revelation!

You won’t cry like you see in the movies. It will be like your wind- pipe has been cut off…..it will be like your world has ended……

And like a movie you will rewind your life with him/her……..and you will look out for behaviors you should have been suspicious of. And you will stare at him or her over and over again……………………and wonder…was I kissing or making love to a fraudster all this while? And given the chance will I write my life differently. And the answer you find is what will show how much you loved him/her.

#WHEN YOUR PARTNER CHEATS ON YOU
#WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU FIND OUT HE’S CHEATING?
#HOW DO YOU HANDLE UNFAITHFULNESS

CAJOLING WITH TEMPTATION

 

I have desired another man
To you before
But I could never cause my heart
To move
Or cajole in the least
For I could not toy with your heart

You’re so true and pure
And mine
Completely mine
No one gives his all like that
Only Jesus did
Now Jesus and you

I’m sorry
I’m sorry that in the years to come
When life feels empty
Even by your side
And the devil presents me with
Distractions
My mind will toy with it
My heart will glitter with mischief
In the secret corners of moments
Found alone
And my fingers might
write poems of them…

But this I promise you
They will never have me
I will never soil your name
These sighs and yearnings shall
Never know life
Because wisdom tells me these
Cravings will always be natural
And more formidable when
Life gets domestic and humdrum

You can have everything you want
With one person
If only you’re willing to work
For it

A heir when he’s still a child
Cannot have access to the true
Treasures of the kingdom

I vow
To move past these temptations
To be that woman you can love and
And trust to remain yours forever
Like a mother’s devotion to her child
07/04/16
Natasha- City

I once fell for another man whiles in a relationship. Then I realized I am no different…….
I am no different from Brad Pitt and all the other lovers who have badly hurt their erstwhile partners- I could be equally wicked. Coz I can feel the drive and need to end this relationship and move on to the next!

But my instincts tell me it is folly. There will be more of these personalities (though few)….who will cross my path and draw out things in me my man cannot do. But you can’t keep falling for them and moving from one partner to the other.

You gotta learn to take responsibility and stand by your word…your life’s map…your plans. You gotta do the responsible thing.

What do you think?

#STAYING COMMITTED IN A RELATIONSHIP IN THE FACE OF TEMPTATIONS
#IS MONOGAMY POSSIBLE?

A friendship dead…before birth

 

Have you ever kept
Emotions
Blocked…
Refusing to acknowledge
Them
…………………
If your fingers dare to attempt
Poetry
Then will you recognize
that….
….Dull pain
….And ache

For before the fingers can write
Your heart
It needs to accept
That
You hurt
………………….
That
He bruised your ego
Only then can you
Make art of the pain
And shame and
Bitterness you feel.

Have you ever appeared
Shallow
To someone
Although you’re
Deep
The words just came out all
Wrong and
Childish and you don’t know how
To take it back
Without
Tripping and falling and
Been more childish

And when he
Fully acknowledges
That you are
But a shallow woman
In his eyes
Then you have no more
Strength
Or motivation
To show him the real you
And you just wanna walk away

But then that would
Be
One human on this
Continent you have succeeded
In creating a shallow impression
Of yourself to
And he could spread it
Coz the world is actually
A village
You could marry his bro!

But who are you kidding
What really hurts is that
You like him
And knowing he thinks
You are shallow
Having no width nor depth
Pierces
Your very soul
20/12/2014
Tasha