fearful love

When Discontentment gets Too loud

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They say our mind plays games

It likes to focus on what’s missing

And not what is great

And so I muted my uneasiness

My displeasure

And discontentment

I let it slide

The little things I expected of you

A day’s call

Even if to talk about everything and

Nothing

The missed calls

Unreturned

A text message

Even if to ask how I was

An effort made to see me

On a Friday night after work

Its also true

That caged silence sparks

Up a mighty flame

And feelings unspoken

Do more harm when spoken

After a decade

For when discontentment whispers

By mistake

It causes an earthquake of colossal

Proportion

I’m sorry my discontentment

Grew darker

And loud

It wasn’t supposed to whisper

Rear it’s ugly head

It did without my permission

And now that it has

………………………………………..

The ball is in your court

Pursue me

And convince me of

Why you deserve another chance

Before it’s too late

My darling dear

11/11/2014

Natasha- City

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fearful love

Do You Think Of Me?…

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Have you thought of me

Since the day we were we

Have you smiled at the silence

When my face crossed your thoughts

Have you spent a dozen minutes

Reediting my picture

With glee and pride

And a swelling fondness

Have you paused during work hours

Lips curving into a smile

As a text message forms in your

Head

And expectant joy fills your heart

At the smile on my face when

I read you

Coz you see I don’t think

You ever have

Or know how much knowing

Hurts

Knowing that I’m not the woman

Your heart is missing

And yet we are together

10/09/2014

Natasha- City

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fearful love

❤️ Titanic Love💔

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Swinging on the wings of your love

As unsafe as Thor’s rainbow bridge

Would rather stay in my safe haven

Where I’m stable

Never falling in love

Stuck in rush hour

Going to work and

Coming home

At least it’s safe

Home has mum

Home has lil sis

It doesn’t have you

Cooking and salsa dancing

Making me giggle and tickle within

Smearing butter on my nose

Making me a girl again

Loving me with your eyes

Like I’m the only girl existing

Helping me unbraid my hair

Your love overwhelms me

Yet I’m afraid

Of love’s hurt

And Adele’s tears

Not that you’re wicked

But that you’re human

And I’m human

And I’m not perfect

And you’re not perfect

So you’ll hurt me

I’m afraid

Of love’s ramifications

Of the complications of building a

Household together

Of the process of growing naked

Before you

Till you can see through me

And know my flaws and weaknesses

If only love was a white collar job

That won’t require my heart’s strain

If only love was a bank account

With more credit than debit

But in marriage does Jesus’ 7 times

77 forgiveness come to play

And if his heart melted

Into his bowels on the cross

Mine would explode

On the cross of marriage

I love you

But I’m afraid

Shooting stars are beautiful

They create pretty memories

For pink diaries

………………………..

But great old stars shine forever

Would rather we were the latter

And so

Can we recycle our love

For years of decades

Credit and debit our

Love’s bank account

And still find ourselves

At the end of the day

To know all my flaws and

Weaknesses

And still find my nudity completely

Captivating

To know that in this life I was

Known

Witnessed

Understood

And loved by you

As silly as I am

Can that really happen

…………………….

If it can then I’m in

Coz I love you!

I do!

Let’s do it!

12/07//2014

Tasha

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fearful love

My Teddybear

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I don’t know how I can be a

Wife to you

I ponder how I can be your

Right arm

I think on how I can be a mother

To your children

And sometimes I’m afraid

That I won’t me a good representative

Of a Mrs. H-City

And sometimes I fear that I

Won’t wear you well

But maybe I’m looking too far

I should start with here and now

When you’re my teddybear

And am “Your Majesty”

How do I love you

How do I hold you

How do I walk with you

And let you know you can put

Your heart in my palms

But then will I really never break

Your heart?………..

Coz my past has no template to

Assure you I won’t

And my memory has no clean slate to

Speak assurance

And the truth is my heart is afraid

I really might hurt you

When I get tired of arguing with you

When my weaknesses are revealed

To it’s fullest

When taking care of you plus

The children

Becomes overwhelming

Maybe I will want to walk away

I’m afraid of letting you kiss me

And making love to me

And falling in love with you

Coz one day you might stop

And even loose respect for me

And I would die inside

So everyday I calm my fears and

Tell myself it will be well

And just walk each day with

His lamp on my feet

And light in the dark

And still

I can’t see anything

I can’t see how you will ever

Come to love me

And even if you do

I can’t see you loving me after

Two years of marriage

Enough time for you to know

My inherent stupidity and weaknesses

I see you regretting- choosing me

As your wife

If only you knew now

But then for the man that you are

I see you deciding to live with it

Everyday…a day at a time

And I see God raising me

His hand upon me

And showing the world that He

Chooses the despised things of

This world to dumbfound the wise

Raising me to be a woman of great

Virtue and honor

A blessings to generations

An example to young people

Then your love will grow again

And you would understand why

You chose me

And then our Love will blossom like

The flowery garden He planted and

Watered with the dew of Heaven

But oh it will take all the strength

I have within me

And all the tears left to be shed

And all the growing up with its

Ramifications of embarrassments

And trying moments

It will take letting you down

A billion times

And seeing the disappointment in

Your eyes

The shock at my weaknesses

It will take getting naked before you

City

And I’m afraid of this journey

Teddybear

I’m glad for a man who forgives

Seventy seven times seven times

For I will need it

But I’m still afraid

So what do I do?……..

06/12/2013

Natasha- City

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fearful love

When your love will hurt…

I know you don’t think
You’ll hurt me
But you will
It’s what people do

You will love me with
Your eyes
And poetry
With your hands
And heart

And in your anger
You will spite me with unguarded
Words
And in times of pain
You will shut me out
And in times of boredom
You will look at another woman

And it will kill me
And that’s why I don’t wanna
Love you
I just wanna like you
So it doesn’t hurt
When you hurt me
29/10/2014
Tasha

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fearful love

💖 Benevolent Love 2💖…

And I’d break our promise
To benevolence
And I’d destroy your
Good natured heart
And might destroy our marriage

Coz in me
Deep down me
I’m a wild girl
A passionate woman
I had dreams of
Making love to my man
In fragrant spice and honey
Of getting naked
In a pool
Treating him to the most
Sensuous Dance

I used to dream
Of flying
In his arms
On a warm sunny day
On a rich carpet of green grass
A beautiful picnic
Of two love birds
Chasing after each other
What pretty pictures it will
Make for a pink album

I dreamt
Of unending smiles
Yours and mine
Intermingled breaths
Intertwined fingers
In every walk of our life

And even if I convinced
Myself
That it belonged to the world
Such love
Only existed in movies
Such joy
Will not last more than
A year or two in marriage

When I break
If I do
It will be because I don’t
Care anymore

In the face of having
Achieved the accolades
Of a successful woman
With the exemption of
A heart to love
And to go to sleep at night
Dreaming about
I would sigh
The saddest sigh of eternity

And I know
I believe
Not even the benevolence
I would have towards my children
Will be enough
To prevent me from falling
Falling in love
And it wouldn’t be you
My love.

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fearful love

💖Benevolent Love💖…..

Why you chose me?
I know. I don’t know
Don’t know if you even know
We are all under the hand
Of God
That
I know

Maybe you saw
My good
Naturedness and smile
And pure spirit as you
Rightly put it

Why I chose you?
I don’t know. I know.
But at times I’m so lost
As to why I’m still here
We are all under the hand
Of God
That
I know

But now
We have all the best of intentions
With all the benevolence
Of our hearts
Towards each other
Towards this relationship
But

We don’t have love
Or the dancing excitement of
Love eyes…eyes that lit up when
Love birds sight each other

We don’t have the romance
Or the craving to see each other
Everyday of each other’s years
We don’t have ecstasy
The ignition key that sparks up
Little doings that mean all
The world to a heart in love

All we have is life
Appreciating it together
Barely holding hands
Experiencing it together
Talks over phone
Building dreams
Though I can’t phantom us
Having a joint account

In the end
All we have is the best
Of intentions
All the benevolence in our
Hearts
For each other
For this relationship
And one-day
There will be children
If we are able to make it there

And our benevolence
Will reach out to them too
And we’ll have a reason to
Keep on staying
Keep on moving on

But my soul knowth me
And it knows the potent
Possibility of breaking under
The ice
Of our facade of love
Tired with bundles
Of benevolence
And I might
Just might
Fall in love
And it wouldn’t be you
My love.
04/10/2014
Natasha- City

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